part two

I forgot; this really tickled me this week. I can't seem to make it fit the frame on my computer, but it may work on yours...

old luddite

Things are much better now. I've spoken with my mother so much over the past few weeks which is a bit strange for our sort of relationship. We're close but we're not verbal. She emails me frequently but we usually only speak on the phone once a month. My dad calls every saturday or sunday on the dot at 1pm. But the last time I spoke with my mum, we discussed the glasses thing and she just laughed. Which then really upset. And then she kept banging on about her kitchen table and going to Home Sense and starting to cry looking at kitsch Easter items my grandmother would have loved. Evidently both of our feelings are based around materials. And then she didn't want to be the weird emotional lady in Home Sense so had to leave immediately. My family has this really strange aversion to crying. I've only ever seen my mother cry for real (watching movies doesn't cry because she cries in ALL movies- or just falls asleep before she starts...). I have never seen my father cry ever. I was never comfortable crying as a child past the age of 6 (before that, it was virtually nonstop, apparently I liked the attention, and my older sister was mean). Even now, I would never cry in front of my friends, and still don't really like crying in front of Chris (again, movies don't count because now I cry in virtually ALL movies).

I'm sucking the fun, I think it's time to move on. Back to telephones and luddism (and in the spirit of moving on...) I got an iPhone on thursday. Two things: I've never been on a phone contract before and had no problems getting credit. Yes adulthood. Second, I'm going to try to be a better with my phone. If you call our landline, I always answer, however before, mobile phone was always buried somewhere in my bag and battery had died. But I also don't believe that I have to be reachable at every moment in the day. Plus, I may be busy playing games!

part two

Last post ending was merely a pause. According to my father (first phone call at 1.15pm GMT time), the visitation went well and he was leaving for the airport in 4 hours and would try to catch me then. Second answer phone message at 5.00pm GMT- we're now leaving for the airport, I'll email you. Thanks dad, love your trivial phone messages. But yes, everything is fine re: grandmother. I've been fine except yesterday I was looking at a pair of Alexander Wang sunglasses when a workmate said, oh those look like Dame Edna which always reminded me of my grandmothers as she had this super thick rimmed glasses purchased in the early 70s with rhinestones all around. Apparently it caused a lot of embarrassment for my mother as a teenager but I always thought they were badass.

And this is something that I keep thinking about, I don't know when it started, maybe a year ago...? But I keep thinking about when you die, and your body starts decomposing and it's really frightening me, especially over the past 3 months or so. I'm not afraid to die at all, but I'm so afraid of my body evaporating into nothing. I couldn't care less what would happen to my soul, or not happen, actually that's a lie because I believe in reincarnation but I'm a bit more liberal about it because I don't think my soul will become something else, but I do think I was a cat in a past life because I do love to pet. But I digress, do you follow? Soul needs to be left out of it, it's a mute point. But the physical aspect of bodies rotting. Yes my grandmother is being cremated which is equally as morbid, but I couldn't stop thinking about her glasses and what would happen to them. And if my mother would have to come across them cleaning out her house over the next six months.

Resolution for next week: stop obsessing about death and being so materialistic.

comb

Infinite amount of brushes with mortality and adulthood. I find myself googling 'how to get a good credit score' and 'joint savings account'. I remember when I first moved to London I couldn't imagine the burden of having a mortgage and how it seemed like a far off dream not conceivably possible, nor is it really now in central London but it's something we're striving towards in the next 2-3 years which means we're all grown up, even though Chris did manage to pull off a homicidal hangover on Sunday where he couldn't stop being ill.

Point two. My grandmother died on Saturday night (afternoon Canada time). I guess I'm more in shock than anything else which makes no sense at all because she had been very ill for the past three months but she was a medical marvel having smoked for over 60 years and was cancer-free her entire life. She wasn't a typical granny either which is I think a bit awkward to explain because she was so stubborn and opinionated on absolutely not factual merit, which I know is a testament to the elderly however she was Danish and when explanations would transition in and out of Danish, it made her ramblings about my hair being in my eyes meaning that I'll be blind when I'm 40 (same for those wearing contact lenses) for example simply endearing. It was a long standing joke in my family that she would outlive us all, similar to that of let's say a Keith Richards.

Anyway the moral of the story is that I thought I would go home for a week but there is only going to be a visitation and then a memorial in September for her birthday when I'm home for a holiday. My mother is ok which is the most important thing. And really that's that.

There's more but I think I'll leave it at this. And that.

day off

I wouldn't pigeonhole myself to suggest that I am a control freak however having one solitary day off makes me panic just a bit. I'm mainly terrified that I haven't done something and it's going to come to light and I always have to bee three steps ahead.

But in much happier news, it was Chris' birthday yesterday and because he completely failed on mine, I had to have this amazing day for him (basically mind games to make him feel guilty for being such a shit, but not really because I honestly don't care, that much). So he was loaded with gifts, and I bought him this amazing card and his work mates and our friends came along for drinks last evening, and we booked today, have dinner reservations at a new incredible restaurant in Shoreditch but as I tiny jab to his day of splendor, I'm dragging him to Ikea to buy wicker baskets and other stuff. He's currently fast asleep, or could be awake but refusing to get out of bed because he knows the trip is imminent.

But please, I rarely pull the bitchy wife card but feel that I've earned it this time round. Now buck up and wake up please. I need tea and breakfast.

baby

Let's face it, I'm broody. It's time for me to have a baby (yes, but not really...). This week's obsession is bearing child and eventually rearing it. I'm so awful that I am stare and awe at parents morning and evening on the bus ride home, listening out for names, parenting methodology, colour of teeny tiny wellies on their feet, envious of their buggies and blankeys. I really hope these parents don't think I want to seal their children. Most of vilely misbehaved, jumping up and down on the seats and I sit on tender hooks half-expecting them to chip their baby teeth. Either the parent gets angry then ties them back down in their pram or just let's them carry on with ruckus. I try to resolve the situation in my mind, if it was my child. I know this is me passing severe judgment on a scenario I know absolutely nothing about, but this isn't logical, it's astutely hormonal. And I'm not even the worst girl I know.

What's brought this on the most is I haven't had a drink since New Year's which is both a crowning achievement and sad admission. But it's bringing a whole new clarity, such as I really love my husband. Barf. He's equally funny sober as he is when I've had a half a bottle of wine. Am I painting a portrait of being an eventual good parent? Please may I remind you that I'm 25 and was a child bride? No, Chris is a good egg and always has been. And I have never not loved him. Why do I feel like this is a loaded post? I'm not implying anything by this, it all curtails into my broodiness.

We were on a train to Birmingham this weekend to celebrate his grandfather's 90th birthday and this dreadful older couple sat in front of us and it was so clear they hated each other. I think it mainly had to do with wife's squawky voice. When we got off the train, we promised to never ever be like that. I don't squawk to the best of my knowledge but Chris promised to call me out on that shit. Why would you want to beat your husband into such severe submission?

I guess I'm both broody and terrified.

happy back to work

I love when you start something new and fresh and it seems amazing and really exciting! This could be my childish excitement, I remember summer between grade 7 & 8 and feeling desperate to get back to school because I wanted to graduate then go to high school. I think that's a bit how I feel now. Career being put on hold for over a year and now everything is back on track. And I make no qualms about this: I am going to be amazing. I feel as though I'm entitled to say that because my confidence has been knocked back 5-fold this past year. Plus it's one facet of my life that I can't be positive about, always have to be self-deprecating and sarcastic. But yes, in my naive excitement and joy to be back at work in my new role, I have been given great project that I'm actually looking forward to working on over the next few months.

Granted we have mapped out our holidays for the year, all built around the World Cup which England will presumably lose and I'll have to deal with Mr Grumps for weeks but I'm hoping to come back to Canada either May or September. Haven't been home since September 2008. It doesn't feel as though it's been that long considering it's currently -2 outside today in London however I haven't seen my dad since September and my mum since October 2008 for our wedding. Jew guilt washes over me constantly but my mother is my number one fan so I know she's fine with me being here and living out the life that I set out. My dad on the other hand is becoming more and more difficult with each conversation. I spoke with him on Christmas day and got off the telephone so perturbed. I think his transition into golden years is going to be grossly controversial.

In others new, my bank statement just came through the door and I'm not terrified to look at it.

happy new year

So I should probably delete the post a while back regaling my personal whinge self-doubt misdemeanors but I won't for nostalgia's sake. Plus I would never want to get to big for my boots. Basically I'm back on track for 2010 with proof that nothing does actually come easy, even if you're horoscope has said so for the past 14 months.

And with that, Chris is doing amazingly as well, with a promotion, a raise, two rounds of tequila shots at the Christmas party.

So when I received my news last Monday, I phoned Chris up and said I got the job and we both simultaneously said 2010.

One massive boo boo however was Christmas where I buggered up his gift so badly. Evidently headphones are tricky to find in Birmingham on 23rd December so tomorrow I'm venturing out to purchase the second half of his present. He's currently enjoying the first which is F1 for the Wii (clearly not my top choice).

And what did Christmas consist of this year in Birmingham? Cheese binge and drinking wine as if it was water. Our neighbour came and dropped off a bottle of red as a thank you for letting him use our wireless and honestly the sight of that bottle is making me feel nauseous. The past years running we were keen on Dolphin Olympics, the internet game but no we're shit so we started playing Bust a Move- and we're equally as rubbish at that now. But yes, that has been the past week. We got back to London tonight and I requested raw vegetables for supper. This is the first time I've felt hungry in the past 2-3 weeks. New years, different story I'm sure.

2010.

Snippets

I'm now under the strict advocation of job interviews including a two drink minimum. This will in future prevent me from floating out of my body, staring down at myself, listening to myself, thinking to myself to just stop talking. Loquacious yes but not such a formidable quality evidently. Ummm, we shall see.

Last night I had a dream that I only remembered once on the bus ride home today. I dreamt I was playing poker and my opponents were trying to figure out my tell only I had never had to bluff therefore did not have one. I was prompted by this because of my emotional tells, I'm clearly becoming worse and worse disguising these in public. Stoicism hasn't been my strong suit this 2009. I blame age.

My manager at work last night however dreamt about scissors. And today, when someone's scissors went missing from their desk, she opened her top drawer saying, 'oh I took those yesterday'. Realised that they weren't in her top drawer. Then realised it was all just a dream.

Work. Dreams. Scissors. Call me mildly pessimistic but that sounds about right.

hectic humbug

Cold winds travelled from Russia are now drowning this city in London. Ordinarily I would mildly disturbed by this because London has a nonexistent coping mechanism for snow removal and frankly it's intolerably cold outside. Also, I need tomorrow to be as stress free going into work as possible.

Yesterday was my 25th birthday- jovial. I managed to keep it on the DL at work quite well, team were very lovely as usual and we went out for a nice lunch, and then was office Christmas party that by previous standards set, was quite tame. No embarrassment, even after singing You're So Vain on karaoke which evidently was my best performance to date.

And with all these happenings in the diary, December has been insane. Christmas dinner and drinks with all of our friends last year which was wonderful. Sunday spent watching Christmas films- season always starts off with Home Alone, then Elf was on television etc. etc. I think this weekend we're going to watch Die Hard and Gremlins. Love Actually when it's on tv at Chris' parents.

Jam packed social schedule but nothing actually provoking to say. I'm tucked under a blanket enjoying the heat from the computer on my lap, looking through cookbooks, listening to songs as I'm still putting together my best of the past decade. Kind of don't want to limit it just to music; would love to do books, movies blahbidyblah.

Also just realised that I need to Christmas shop tomorrow and in the snow will just not do. Yarg.