nasty

I'm struggling. I'm having massive anxiety right now and I'm really upset with facets from my work.

Personal problems I'm having right now though are as follows:

My friend Tom phoned me and I hadn't spoken to him in nearly two years, well voice on voice, we've spoken via net and firstly he told me that I'm have a bit of an accent, and I felt that whilst speaking with him, I was being a bit self involved, and was being highly outgoing, and doing silly voices which really isn't me. And I'm having a bit of personal change trauma right now. And I'm afraid that in going home, all these changes, most of which I haven't realised have happened, they will all surface and it will turn out I'm becoming a bit of a shitty person. I don't think fundamentally I've changed, but I'm not usually so me me me (this is funny on a blog as it obviously is all about me...but really in life, I prefer hearing others speak).

I'm just horrendously nervous about going home. So nervous and so anxious that I can't even envision myself getting on the plane. Aside from the fact that I have to get through another week of work, every time I get on the tube, I keep thinking that I'm going to die.

And today on the bus ride home from work, I was nearly weeping (but that's related to something entirely different). And I came home, and was speaking to Chris and started to cry. August seems to be the month of the cry. I think it may be due to the fact that I'm not exercising my brain properly and I'm feeling consumed by this vacuous, anonymous city, and even playing scrabble a bit tipsy on Monday, I was actually physiologically angry, something I've never been before. I came home and felt my blood bubble and my temperature rise. And I was really moody, even with my friends which I never am, only boyfriend because he'll still love me regardless.

Is this symptomatic of anything? Am I cracking?