matured cheddar

I have this theory, or rather a way of life that would be ideal and heavenly if it could come to fruition. Imagine being pushed around in a stroller all day, being fed, napping but being capable of having intense and meaningful thoughts and possesing the capabilites to convey these thoughts to figures around you? You could philosophize every day without worrying to feed yourself. Whenever I see children being pushed around I think that's what I'd like but of course being able to have the mental thought process I have now.

The more days go past, the worse my agoraphobia is becoming.

I also was thinking some horrible thought last week. I received an unpleasant email which led to a downward spiral of feeling bad about myself for no bloody reason at all. I felt that if I returned to Canadad, I would feel horribley displaced and basically rejected not only by the peole but the setting itself. Then I felt a sort of displacement here in jolly ol' because this email that really shouldn't have affected me at all made me feel bad about my situation here. And then I started doubting myself. I started thinking "what if this is what everyone else really does think of me, what if I am really just fooling myself into believing who am I but it's not really me?" Then I felt really displaced here and became sensitive to no matter what anyone said. And I teared up in the hallway of my boyfriend's parent's house and he came over and hugged me but I doubt he understood the gravity of what I was feeling.

Then I sort of felt what it would it be like to not exist and to not be able to feel displaced unless of course the feeling of unexistance would cause you to believe that you're important enough to exist therefore would feel disenfranchised from that very feeling and ultimately would have to exist.

Did I feel 21? no. Do I feel 22? hardly. Even 23? not so much. I'm the heart and soul of some sort of french pseudo-and/or neo-existentialist trapped in the mindset of a 3 year old. Being tooted around and hugged in the hallway whilst dreaming of a void is comforting enough.