fail

I wasn't going to bring this up but I'm bored because my husband is watching Champions League football and there is no other escape for me right now.

And even though my Macbook and I are in a colossal fight, I need a mini-vent. But I did just catch myself making a Jew joke about a Liverpool player who's from Israel, who is also I'm sure observing Passover and therefore not eating anything leavened. I joked that he needs to put a little yeast on the ball. Dear Lord. What am I turning into?

It's all one big defense mechanism. Today for the first time in a long time, I lost something. I had written this amazing covering letter, but in a difficult/I guess creative format and I was using this online java editor thingy and when I had first started writing it keep going to the page back instead of deleting (backspace...grr!) so Chris suggested I work offline in a web archive thingy that you can do with Safari (I'll bet you can do it on a PC as well). I hate technology right now, which is of course ironic because I'm both typing and involving myself in the blogosphere. But I'm also critiquing it's shittiness.

So there I am, contented and actually volunteering to go out and buy our daily bottle of Diet Coke, bounce in my step, the first time so insanely pleased with myself professionally. The job market in London is colder than a witch's teet right now. Lots has been brewing with me under the surface of this blog and finally something definitively came through and after 4 hours of sweat, laughter, genuine disbelief that I could write so many positive things about myself in a witty, delightful, playfully genuine way, conveying passion, creativity, intelligence, even open-mindedness, it all was deleted by one hit of the backspace button.

I kept hitting 'save as' then typed something else, hit backspace button, which ultimately took me to the blank page before, Then hit 'save as' without realising, work gone. Searched the entire computer, searched the web archives, searched page history. Called Chris, see if he knows how to find replaced documents. Doesn't. Search Mac forums which all state you need this program that already needed to be uploaded onto your computer.

Now here's the thing: I know I'm not the first person this has happened to, and I highly doubt that I'm the last so why isn't there some universal program that's already on everyone's computer that will save them from having a meltdown (I'm referring to the human beings here and not the machinery)?

After I pulled myself together, (I surprised myself by not crying, but saying the word fuck over and over again. Have I matured or what? I'm probably now incapable of crying out of frustration. In fact, I can't even remember the last time I cried, but that's neither here nor there) I started hand-writing everything that I had just typed. I like surprising myself with my photographic memory, and overall aptitude for remembering things I've written word for word (sometimes things I've said as well). And one thing I did say as I was bopping around outside, too big for my boots: "What I am writing is so great, it's so clever. I never say this about myself but it's really great!". Those words actually left my lips, and probably with further hyperbole. Serves me right I guess. I think I'm hitting my threshold on professional pain however. Tomorrow, I'll retype this stupid jerk out and send it over, and I swear to all that is allegedly holy, I better at least get a second interview (went for a chat last week). Yarg.

But I'm calm. I have collected myself. So it was just half-time and we switched over to Gok's Fashion Fix. One of his little projects was this woman trying on a houndstooth dress. Chris turned to me and said, 'that's houndstooth right?' and I replied yes. He said that he learned that from Windows '95, where Houndstooth was an option for a desktop background.

Computers. They have just redeemed themselves. Bastards.